ellenscult | Moving on, moving away...

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Moving on, moving away...

This post isn't friends-locked. Fingers crossed, eh?

The situation with my husband's ex-employer still isn't fully resolved. Bearing in mind that this is all my opinion, that it's what I have inferred from dealing with them, and I could be wrong, yada yada... They appear to have made up their minds from the very start that he must have colluded with a supplier to overcharge the company on certain things, despite his having no sign-off authority on purchases and despite there being absolutely nothing to substantiate this belief. I suspect they also think that the medical note from the GP, the letter from the solicitor, the letters and phone calls from me, all requesting that they have no contact with my husband because of his state of health, are simply a ploy for my husband to avoid talking with them.

The truth, while complicated, comes down to this. Over the last couple of years or so, he was placed under increasing pressure, ending up working what should be around 3 or 4 full-time jobs. He was increasingly isolated within the company, with a fundamental lack of support for what he did and a lack of respect for the job(s) and his abilities. He was given impossible deadlines, among other things, and, rather than turning round and telling them no, ended up doing a few stupid things in order to meet them, because he was gradually worn down into a mindset where he bought into the need to fulfill expectations, to achieve those impossible things. Arguably, he should have left, found a job elsewhere, but he didn't.

Something had to give, and that was his paperwork. He's dyslexic, he's very practical, and he'd rather spend his time getting things done, keeping things running, rather than doing paperwork. Which is fine, right up until the point at which it's the complete and utter lack of paperwork that lands him in trouble and allows people to draw the conclusions given above.

They don't seem to understand, either, that he's worked for companies far larger than they will ever be, with huge potential for outright fraud with absolutely no possibility of getting caught (trust me on this - if anyone wants details, there's a great story, but not one I should really share here), were he so inclined, on a far larger scale than they allege here. He's not inclined that way, or, to be honest, we wouldn't be living in a small mid-terrace house which doesn't even have central heating and I certainly wouldn't still be commuting to work in Sheffield after all this time.

There's no way to prove things on either side, short of showing them our private finances. Which - had they been in the least sympathetic (or if we trusted the people involved, but we don't, with good reason) - we'd have no problem doing. But from my perspective, they tried to kill my husband (more than once) and they came damn close to succeeding and without a court order, I don't trust them with a single piece of paper. Had it not been for the GP and York Hospital (back in November when my husband developed a quinsy and couldn't get to the GP for an extra 24 hours thanks to certain people at his work contacting him by phone, then when he couldn't actually speak, by email, insisting on needing something fixed, which made the quinsy much, much worse) and thanks immensely to

alasdair1076 and York's Home Treatment Team (mental health crisis intervention, coming out every day, bringing medication and support), I honestly don't think my husband would have seen the start of this year.

I can't imagine living without him. I can't imagine wanting to live without him.

I won't lie: it's been incredibly hard these past few months. I've been kept going by the support of friends and family, by the knowledge that all I have to do is pick up the phone and call and the crisis team will be right there, the support line will be right there, my family and friends will be right there. And things are improving, my husband is improving, but I'm aware of how easily that could fall apart.

To that end, given that it's going to be a while before he's up to chasing jobs with any serious intent, things are going to have to change.

Our mortgage is big - I cannot pay it by myself and cover all the bills, let alone have anything left over with which to buy, ooh, luxuries like food. York's not a cheap city to live in and while we have the savings to keep on paying the mortgage for a little while longer, the house is going to have to go up for sale pretty soon. Fortunately, we have A Plan^TM.

We're moving to Northern Ireland at the end of February. After that, I hope to get someone in to slap a coat of paint on the house while it's empty, and then it can go on the market. If anyone can recommend a decorator, or fancies the job, or fancies giving me a hand, let me know - if enough people are up for it, I can always fly back for a long weekend to have a painting party (complete with wine and beer and pizza, hurrah!). We'll be moving into rented accomodation which is much, much cheaper than the mortgage is, and conversely (or is that perversely?) has much more storage space so we should actually have guest rooms that can, yanno, fit beds in them rather than piles of books and knitting wool and cloth and so on and so forth.

I'm not putting the address up here; if you want it, email me and I'll give it to you. Likewise, a phone number (not that I have the faintest idea what the number is yet). I only ask that you don't let my husband's ex-employer know that we are moving, nor pass the address along. I fully intend to have my mail redirected, and they have my mobile number, which after 10 years of keeping it through different phones and different phone companies, I'm certainly not changing, so anything they wish to communicate, they'll be able to. I just don't want to go back to the situation we've had, where every phone call, every knock at the door, has precipitated a panic attack because my husband can't take any more of being screamed at. Literally. I want him to have the space to recover, to get over all this, to get back to being the amazing man I know.

I'm going to miss York. It's a wonderful city. I'm going to miss having my friends close by. But right now, thanks to my health, I don't see you. I don't come out to parties, I don't make it to my writing group, I don't even, most weeks, make it to VJ's on a Saturday lunchtime. I keep in touch online, and that won't change. I think pretty much everyone has my mobile number, too. There's Gmail's chat function (I nattered with

palmersperry and

skicyclehike, who are in Austria, over video chat and voice chat last night), there's Skype (and yes, I only have the one username for *everything*, but hey, it makes finding me easy). And I'll be back, probably once a month, so I'll actually see some of you a heck of a lot more often than at present (which has made my parents happy).

Because my employers, who are wonderful, have said yes to a trial of remote working. I'll be able to work from home in Northern Ireland rather than having to commute into Sheffield every day from York. Which means I get back around 4 hours a day and huge amounts of energy (not to mention the exorbitant cost of the annual train ticket). I'll be able to start work earlier, do more, and still not be exhausted. Hurrah! I'm really hoping that works out well for us both - I do love working for them and I hope I can do a better job. Plus, my absence record should be a whole heap better - there's no excuse for not turning up to work in my own home!

I'm looking forward to the move. What's happened has been immensely awful, but it's given us the impetus to make changes we wouldn't otherwise have done. We can get a dog, a cat. I can get some writing done with an eye to, finally, getting my first novel out to agents, put all that short story practise from writing fanfic into actually writing my own original fiction. I can keep on proofreading, maybe get back to doing some free work for Hub, maybe even (if they'll have me back) for Pseudopod. And my husband can recover and find something he really wants to do, almost certainly not back in IT. Something that won't try to kill him, even by degrees, won't leave him soul-weary and disenchanted. Something that will let him make a difference, help people.

And you're all very welcome to come and visit. My house is open to you.

So what does this mean for you and me right now? It means I'm throwing one last party, a farewell to York.

For obvious reasons, it won't be at my house, so it will be at VJ's, on the evening of the 21st of February. It's a Sunday, yes, because they're booked already for the Saturday, but they're going to open up especially for us. So please do come along, even if it's only for an hour. I'll post times when I've talked with the manager on Saturday. If you can make it, please let me know, either in comments here or drop me an email, so that I can let them know this Saturday roughly how many people should be turning up.

Please come, so I can say thank you for being a part of my life for so long, for being amazing, wonderful, incredible friends, for letting me love you (that won't change). And if not for that, come because I'll raid my laughable savings account and hopefully have munchies and booze available for a while at least, until it all gets eaten and drank and you have to buy your own drinks.

Oh, and if I've borrowed anything of yours, now is a really, really good opportunity to remind me so I can give it back. Just saying.

The best of luck to you all, and may this year turn out to be a good one for you all.

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So awful that you've both had to put up with so much shit. I hope the move turns out to be a wonderful thing for both of you, and that we'll still see you around online when you have the time :)

I'd love to come to your farewell do :)

Thank you - I'm hoping in the end this will all turn out to be a Good Thing. Anyway, I should be around online more, what with the not commuting thing (Hurrah!), so I'll actually be posting to LJ and reading and commenting and that'll be ace after so long in the hinterlands.

Excellent! It'll be great to see you. :D

{{{hugs}}} I didn't know the half of it. I'm so very sorry you and Gerry have had to go through this, it sounds appalling and unthinkable. I really hope the move brings all that you hope, and more, and that you can both get some time to rest and recouperate. I will, of course, be there on the 21st. All my love to you both.

*hugs* I've not been around to fill people in on what's been happening, and I didn't want to post online until things were at least somewhat settled, even if they're not resolved fully. Thank you, me too. It'll be lovely to see you! (Oh, and I'll have the time and the energy to make a start on that thar jumper... *grin*)

Ellen (And hubby)

First of all, obviously sorry to hear you are heading to NI. On the other hand you've made it perfectly clear why the decision has been made, and I raise a glass to the both of you for an excess of courage and determination to make changes to your life to move forward from here. On the other hand, since we moved down south, its not like we've been regular visitors, and I'd imagine we'd be as regular in NI! It would be lovely to come over and see you both... and in terms of miles you're probably nearer anyway (though there is that wet bit in the middle)!

Conversely, if you ever would like to come and stay with us, either for a holiday, a bit of time out, or simply if you are coming over to go to work in Sheff (or you can remote work from our place), then you are both most welcome at any time, and you know we have the space to put you up in your own room in the house.

As you know, you and hubby are two of the people I most missed when moving south, which is why we so wanted to see you last year when we did our Northern Tour.

Yes, we'd love your new address when you have a chance to send it over, and her's to hoping that we'll actually see you more than we have done recently (though having a house which is NOT a building site may help there too!)

My sincere and heartfelt best wishes to you both. And our love to you too, obviously.

John & Kirsty

Hiya! We miss you too, both of you, and you're always welcome in NI (I hear tell there's some good climbing somewhere close). Thank you - I'm sure there's plenty of flights to Birmingham International. :)

Best of luck with the house stuff - post more photos! I hope we'll get to come see you at some point this year - I want to see your fantastic house. :) *hugs*

We'll be there on the 21st.

We have a stack of packing boxes; shall we bring them round, and when?

We love you. We'll miss you. We'd love to come and stay with you in Ireland. You both have a standing invitation to come and inhabit our South Wing whenever you want to come to York.

xxx

Yay! *big hugs* It'll be wonderful to see you!

Yes please! Or I can come and pick them up? Erm... Any time apart from this Saturday (meeting my parents in town for a bit), possibly this Friday evening (D&D?) - oh, I know, if D&D's on, give them to Greg and we'll pick them up at Alex's? Or... something... *grin* Gosh, I seem to have mislaid my decisive. Have you seen it? It's only little and shouldn't really be out on its own...

Love you too, and I'll miss you. Do come and visit! Any time you like. And thank you - I shall take you up on that. *hugs*

Oh honey... congratulations on the plan and I'll email for details later. Keep strong, keep loving and this too will pass (my motto for the year). You know where I am if you need anything.

Thank you, and feel free. One thing that's bothered me has been not feeling as though I could post things up here in case it got back to the company, and since I routinely share my life with everyone, it left me feeling horribly muzzled and isolated. :( My motto (well, one of them) has been - since high school? before? a while, anyhow - that if I tell everyone everything, there's no way I can be blackmailed. :D

Everything passes, everything changes. I'm hoping this change will be for the best - but if it's not, we'll keep going and we'll get there in the end. I hope this year changes for the better for you too, and likewise. *hugs*

**Hugs**
I really Hope everything works out, it sounds fantastic (appart form you not being here). Thank goodness your employers are being good about things.

(Still Grumbling about what happened, a pox on thier house!!)

I'll throw the offer out there, I know you have loads of people to sta with but there is our spare room too :-) Complete with manic cats >^..^< >^..^<

Thank you! *big hugs* I'll come stay, thank you - I like manic cats. *grin* I'm looking forward to getting some of my own...

I'm so sorry to hear that. Can't come on 21st as I'll be in London that day but would love to catch up with you before you go.

Have a great time in London! Do feel free to come visit - we're in pretty much every evening. It'd be lovely to see you. And you're always welcome to come and stay with us in NI. :)

The working-from-home idea sounsd excellent, love! And you're both welcome to stay at mine if you need to visit London. Or, alternatively, if you'd like to stay on the south coast, with a bit of warning, you can spend some time at the flat in Bexhill.

Also, I have your Gmail, Gchat and Skype details. Mwahahaha.

I know! Now there's not long to go, getting up in the morning and heading out in the dark and the cold to catch my train seems harder. Can't wait! Thank you - will take you up on that next time we're heading London-wards or that end of the south coast - maybe we'll get to the next reenactment of the Battle of Hastings... :)

Mwahahaha indeed! lol They're not hard to guess. :-p

maybe we'll get to the next reenactment of the Battle of Hastings
Yep, that would be good!

I was trying to find out if this year is going to be another 'big' one, but I can't. Fail. Maybe closer to the time...

When's it going to be?

October, I think. Even that I had difficulty finding out. Maybe a better search when I'm not at work. :)

Gosh, Ellen, you really have both been through the mill. I really hope this is the start of an amazing new chapter for you. It sounds like a very positive step forwards.

Just a thought, do you think it might be worth trying to rent your house out? Northwood advertise that they guarantee to pay you even if they can't find someone to rent it, if you could get enough to cover your mortgage, it might give you more long term options.

I will definitely try and come along on 21st, but I'd like you to know that it has been a real pleasure to know you during your time in York and I hope we can stay in touch when you move. I wish you all the very best for the future, lots of love xxx

ps. let me know about the painting party :-)

I hope it will be; I'm looking forward to it, anyway.

It's possible - I don't know. At the moment, the mortgage is interest and capital repayment, and it's tied in until 2011. If we change it to interest-only, we still incur the early repayment charge. As it stands, we certainly wouldn't get enough in rent to cover the mortgage, though and right now I'm not sure that the extra stress of keeping the house is entirely worth it. Then again, I still don't feel old enough (or responsible enough) to be allowed to own a house in the first place... :) I'll check Northwood out when I get a bit of free time, thank you.

It'll be fab to see you if you can make it, and it's been great to know you - I'll still be around online, no plans to change that, so I hope we'll keep in touch. You too - I hope this year is a good one for you.

Painting party - if it happens - will be in March. I'll let you know! Thank you! :)

"Just a thought, do you think it might be worth trying to rent your house out? Northwood advertise that they guarantee to pay you even if they can't find someone to rent it, if you could get enough to cover your mortgage, it might give you more long term options."

Totally agree with this post - when Lady Blue and I moved in together selling her place was looking like it was going to be a nightmare - after the solicitors, estate agent fees, etc we'd have actually lost quite a lot of money, quite apart from the hassle.

We decided to rent it out as a result and its worked very well. It also means you can pick your own time to sell in relation to where the market is. We don't even make enough to cover the mortgage, but the loss is bearable, and means we still have the asset.

I'd certainly recommend it (from our experience), and you can get insurance in any case which insures you against not having an tenant.

I'll check Northwood out - at the moment I'd be very surprised if they could make enough to cover the mortgage. It's possible that, if it sells, we'd make enough to break even, including early redemption payment, moving costs, etc. But really, who knows? *fingers crossed*

Either way, any solution that doesn't end up with me paying rent *and* the mortgage while we're on a single income is a Good ThingTM. :)

My older sister ended up renting out her house when she moved to Wales. She sold it a good number of years later and made a fair amount on it, which is probably why she's a high-level accountant and I'm a technical writer...

Alas, I won't be turning up to VJ's on the 21st … for somewhat obvious reasons! However if I wasn't ~1600km away then I'd certainly be turning up (of course, if I wasn't that far away I'd probably still be living in your house, so … :-).

As for not working in IT anymore? Well, I have to say that working as a Postie was probably more fun than working for Energis!

Well, darn, and here I thought you were good to come along and party! Shucks! :) Have a beer for me in Austria, come visit when you can, and when we can, we'll all be out to come skiing. :)

Gotta say, a lot of IT is really, really sucky. Could do with a lot more unionisation, I think (showing my Old Labour roots here). But so many of my friends have been dumped on from a great height - why is it that IT companies think they have free rein to trample all over their employees? *shakes head* At least being a postie you got lots of exercise.

Only a beer??? But there's so many nice ones to chose from! (And if you buy them from the supermarket they're only about 70p for 500ml!)

Probably won't be able to come out until 2011 I'd expect, so you might make it our here before I get to there!

As for IT companies, dunno but it does seem pretty common. :-(

Oh, well, several if you insist. *grin* I'm hoping we'll make it out to you some time between Christmas and next March. :) *fingers crossed*

Yeah, someone needs to explain that attitude isn't acceptable...

Like I needed an excuse to come visit you - now you're moving someplace I've always wanted to go, and have in fact been discussing visiting with a couple of dear friends of mine.

Be not surprised some time this summer if your mobile rings and you have a set of Dodgy Texans looking to take you to lunch. :-)

Meanwhile - I'm sorry you're having troubles. I'm cheering for you long-distance.

*heh* Always welcome! I'd love to make it back to Texas - very much enjoyed visiting. :) Somehow, Texas (and Texans) always remind me of Yorkshire, only it's bigger and sunnier.

There's stacks of places to visit near where we'll be - f'rinstance, there's a fantastic afternoon out at Slemish (as long as it's not raining).

Thank you - I hope this year's a good one for you.

You and your husband are wonderful people. I hope to make your party, and wish you both all the very best regardless.

*big hugs* I hope you can make it - I always love seeing you. :) Thank you.

*hugs* Here are long-distance (across the pond) good wishes for both you and your husband. What a horrible round of things to have gone through. Good wishes for healing and health, travel and hearth, work and home, and all things in your lives.

Thank you - it's been incredibly awful, but I'm hoping that in the end this will all turn out to have been for the best. (We'll get there in the end. Probably. Fingers crossed.) I hope this year is good to you and yours. *hugs*

I think it's unlikely I'll be able to make the 21st, I've got various LRP's, 40K tournaments and parental visits in every weekend in February but if I can I'll pop along. If the painting stretches into March I can certainly lend a hand one weekend.

Working from home sounds like a postive, it's just a shame there was a massive negative before you got that :(

Hope the move goes well, you just know at least 1 box will vanish into thin air, it's the law!!

Sorry to hear that, but I know how busy you are! If you can pop along for half an hour or so, it'd be ace to see you. The painting will be in March - no way to get to the walls until we've moved everything out. I'll happily provide takeout and paint (one for the walls, one not...)

Yes - I'm really hoping this will turn out to be the impetus for me getting books out to agents, etc. *fingers crossed*

Thank you! If one does, I'll know who to blame - get your caster summoning lostbox +3... *grin*

So, (and this is atypical lawyer response, I know...but I am a lawyer, so sue me :-P), but a few things:

(1) El, you're an amazing person and things will work out. This is an awful situation caused by less than amazing people. And that brings me to (2);
(2) You should seriously consider legal action against the former employer. Even if, in arguendo, their ridiculous claims were true, they still have no basis for this type of harrassment. It's wrong and it's illegal. When you get settled, I would give some serious thought to bringing an IIED (intentional infliction of emotional distress) claim against these jokers.

Hiya Ian *hugs*

Thank you - from you, I trust it. :)

1 - *blush* Thank you - means a lot, coming from you.
2 - does that even exist in UK law? J's doing much better than he was, but I'm loathe to put him under stress again, not when he's now got to work out what he wants to do in life... And as with everything with them, they're extremely good at not putting things in writing that could possibly be used against him, so it comes down to J's word against them. Oh, but then there's the GP and the mental health team and the consultant psychiatrist...

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Moving on, moving away...

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