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It's been a rough couple of weeks.
The family friend is now, finally, in hospital, on the oncology ward, and has a diagnosis. The good news is that it's non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is eminently treatable, but I have no idea how advanced it is as he's been ill for at least the past year. So, we'll see. The other good news is that I sent a card and a letter and today received a letter back, which is wonderful and very moving. He's also included some of his poetry, so I'm slowly reading through it and savouring it. It's been far too long since we were in touch. I may get chance to visit; I hope so.
My ME's flared up this past couple of weeks. I have some joint pain, which I'd managed to forget all about, but it's not bad, just present on the edge of my awareness. My throat's a little sore, constantly, and my glands are up a smidge, but hey, that's always been my barometer for how well I'm doing. I've cut back on everything, haven't made it to my writing group even, but it's a sign of improvement that I haven't slipped over into full-on tonsillitis, nor has my brain been replaced by cotton wool, and although I've had the last 2 days off work, I haven't had the last 2 weeks, which is my usual MO. So. The course is making a difference.
This flare-up is down to psychological and emotional stress, pure and simple. The news about my friend - part of my family and my life far more than all my aunts and uncles - knocked me for six and I haven't quite been able to bounce back like I usually do. After a great talk with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alasdair1076 yesterday, my final ME management course session this morning, and of course ravenlas' constant support, I'm picking up again, but I've been borderline depressed and I'm feeling rather fragile. My appetite vanished and still hasn't come back, which at least means I'm losing some of this other stone. I'm eating properly, if not enthusiastically nor in large quantities (those of you who know me know I love food). I'm not drinking other than at the Friday night D&D game. I haven't been writing. I haven't been reading (other than fanfic) and I have no concentration for work, all of which add their own stresses.
I also haven't been on lj, so if there's anything I really should have seen, please point me at it because I doubt I'm going to go back through 2 weeks of posts.
o_faolain, I haven't finished that last bit of the organ part, just the fiddling, but I'll be doing that this afternoon, so I should finally have that emailed to you later on today. I'm so sorry for the delay.
Those of you who read my other lj and have been waiting for the next part of Chuck vs Pancakes, I owe you guys an apology too. It's written and I should get that posted later on today as well.
Some days, getting out of bed is harder than it should be. Some days, I take all the patience and support and love you guys have and I push for more and I'm so very grateful to you all for being a part of my life. Right now, I'm fighting myself. I'm struggling to accept that this curtailment of my life and my plans and my hopes and ambitions is necessary right now so that in future I can get back to doing some climbing, go back to boxercise, play the cello, write, knit, sew, see people, take classes and so on and so on. But right now it feels as though this damn illness has stolen my life out from under me and it makes me so furious, so upset - I want to go right back to my old habits, to boost my energy levels with adrenaline, to push myself all day, every day so that I can do all the things I want to do, see the people I want to see, and knowing intellectually that this will only make my ME worse isn't enough to help me accept my limitations. So I'm fighting myself, fighting resting, fighting sleeping (although that's something I've always done from being a toddler) and right now it's hard and I don't like it and I want to throw my toys out of the pram and have a tantrum. Which won't help. But still. I'm not always mature. Well. Stop sniggering! Okay, not often mature. Bah.
Anyhow, it's just a way of working up to saying I feel very isolated right now and yes, that's of my own doing because I just don't have the energy to spare for being social (which includes lj, email, phone, as well as seeing you guys in person), but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. It doesn't make me easy to live with. I'm very grateful thatravenlas is far more patient than most of you will ever know (again with the sniggering! Honestly!) and is so supportive. I want to crawl out from under this rock, really, I do, but I can't just yet. And that sucks, and it isn't fair, and I'm back to stamping my foot and throwing a damn tantrum.
So why post this now? Well, I share my bounce with you guys, and my usual state of being is happy, optimistic, energetic, loving, yada yada. Right now, I have none of that, so I share this with you, to let you know how I'm doing. Which is, physically, better than I have been, especially given I'm at a low point, and emotionally, it's all over the place. I don't like to let people know when I'm not on top form. I don't like letting you guys see me at anything other than my best. But you're my friends and I know and trust you enough to say that right now, I'm not okay. I'll be better soon - by next week I should be back on my feet and all of this angst and woe will be a dim and distant memory. So if you've been in touch and I haven't replied, I hope I will do soon. If you've invited me to something and I've turned you down, this is why. But the fact that you've been in touch, you've invited me, that means an awful lot to me. There are days when I can't face answering the phone or looking at my email. When I do, though, that bit of contact with you guys? That lets me know I'm not on my own, that I never will be, and thank you.
So. Long-winded, rambling, overly emotional, full of angst and woe? Yup, indeedy. Needing to be said? Probably. Needing to be read? Not so much. Needing a reply? Not at all. :)
Things which help: Verdi's Requiem. I listened to it last night while cooking and it did what it always does: took me by the hand and led me through grief and anger and sorrow through to peace and a little bit of hope. My recording has Pavarotti in it and is incredible. One of my favourite works.
Star Trek, the new film. Awesome! Fills me with so much fangirl squee.
Rhubarb and apple crumble. Chicken stew and garlic mashed potatoes. Tea. A blanket. A hug from my beloved. The patience and love and understanding from all of my loved ones, from my workplace.
Some day I'll find it easier to say 'I'm not okay today' and let you guys in more. Today's a start. Thank you.
The family friend is now, finally, in hospital, on the oncology ward, and has a diagnosis. The good news is that it's non-Hodgkins lymphoma, which is eminently treatable, but I have no idea how advanced it is as he's been ill for at least the past year. So, we'll see. The other good news is that I sent a card and a letter and today received a letter back, which is wonderful and very moving. He's also included some of his poetry, so I'm slowly reading through it and savouring it. It's been far too long since we were in touch. I may get chance to visit; I hope so.
My ME's flared up this past couple of weeks. I have some joint pain, which I'd managed to forget all about, but it's not bad, just present on the edge of my awareness. My throat's a little sore, constantly, and my glands are up a smidge, but hey, that's always been my barometer for how well I'm doing. I've cut back on everything, haven't made it to my writing group even, but it's a sign of improvement that I haven't slipped over into full-on tonsillitis, nor has my brain been replaced by cotton wool, and although I've had the last 2 days off work, I haven't had the last 2 weeks, which is my usual MO. So. The course is making a difference.
This flare-up is down to psychological and emotional stress, pure and simple. The news about my friend - part of my family and my life far more than all my aunts and uncles - knocked me for six and I haven't quite been able to bounce back like I usually do. After a great talk with
alasdair1076 yesterday, my final ME management course session this morning, and of course ravenlas' constant support, I'm picking up again, but I've been borderline depressed and I'm feeling rather fragile. My appetite vanished and still hasn't come back, which at least means I'm losing some of this other stone. I'm eating properly, if not enthusiastically nor in large quantities (those of you who know me know I love food). I'm not drinking other than at the Friday night D&D game. I haven't been writing. I haven't been reading (other than fanfic) and I have no concentration for work, all of which add their own stresses.I also haven't been on lj, so if there's anything I really should have seen, please point me at it because I doubt I'm going to go back through 2 weeks of posts.
o_faolain, I haven't finished that last bit of the organ part, just the fiddling, but I'll be doing that this afternoon, so I should finally have that emailed to you later on today. I'm so sorry for the delay.Those of you who read my other lj and have been waiting for the next part of Chuck vs Pancakes, I owe you guys an apology too. It's written and I should get that posted later on today as well.
Some days, getting out of bed is harder than it should be. Some days, I take all the patience and support and love you guys have and I push for more and I'm so very grateful to you all for being a part of my life. Right now, I'm fighting myself. I'm struggling to accept that this curtailment of my life and my plans and my hopes and ambitions is necessary right now so that in future I can get back to doing some climbing, go back to boxercise, play the cello, write, knit, sew, see people, take classes and so on and so on. But right now it feels as though this damn illness has stolen my life out from under me and it makes me so furious, so upset - I want to go right back to my old habits, to boost my energy levels with adrenaline, to push myself all day, every day so that I can do all the things I want to do, see the people I want to see, and knowing intellectually that this will only make my ME worse isn't enough to help me accept my limitations. So I'm fighting myself, fighting resting, fighting sleeping (although that's something I've always done from being a toddler) and right now it's hard and I don't like it and I want to throw my toys out of the pram and have a tantrum. Which won't help. But still. I'm not always mature. Well. Stop sniggering! Okay, not often mature. Bah.
Anyhow, it's just a way of working up to saying I feel very isolated right now and yes, that's of my own doing because I just don't have the energy to spare for being social (which includes lj, email, phone, as well as seeing you guys in person), but it doesn't make it any easier to live with. It doesn't make me easy to live with. I'm very grateful that
ravenlas is far more patient than most of you will ever know (again with the sniggering! Honestly!) and is so supportive. I want to crawl out from under this rock, really, I do, but I can't just yet. And that sucks, and it isn't fair, and I'm back to stamping my foot and throwing a damn tantrum.So why post this now? Well, I share my bounce with you guys, and my usual state of being is happy, optimistic, energetic, loving, yada yada. Right now, I have none of that, so I share this with you, to let you know how I'm doing. Which is, physically, better than I have been, especially given I'm at a low point, and emotionally, it's all over the place. I don't like to let people know when I'm not on top form. I don't like letting you guys see me at anything other than my best. But you're my friends and I know and trust you enough to say that right now, I'm not okay. I'll be better soon - by next week I should be back on my feet and all of this angst and woe will be a dim and distant memory. So if you've been in touch and I haven't replied, I hope I will do soon. If you've invited me to something and I've turned you down, this is why. But the fact that you've been in touch, you've invited me, that means an awful lot to me. There are days when I can't face answering the phone or looking at my email. When I do, though, that bit of contact with you guys? That lets me know I'm not on my own, that I never will be, and thank you.
So. Long-winded, rambling, overly emotional, full of angst and woe? Yup, indeedy. Needing to be said? Probably. Needing to be read? Not so much. Needing a reply? Not at all. :)
Things which help: Verdi's Requiem. I listened to it last night while cooking and it did what it always does: took me by the hand and led me through grief and anger and sorrow through to peace and a little bit of hope. My recording has Pavarotti in it and is incredible. One of my favourite works.
Star Trek, the new film. Awesome! Fills me with so much fangirl squee.
Rhubarb and apple crumble. Chicken stew and garlic mashed potatoes. Tea. A blanket. A hug from my beloved. The patience and love and understanding from all of my loved ones, from my workplace.
Some day I'll find it easier to say 'I'm not okay today' and let you guys in more. Today's a start. Thank you.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 02:10 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 02:15 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 02:22 pm (UTC)From:You are doing absolutely everything right.
And it'll pay off. Hang in there, buddy. Proud of you.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 03:03 pm (UTC)From:b) [hugs]
c) I've just had the fun of putting together another CD mixtape for someone - I think another "Things with Strings" one could be overdue, too.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 06:41 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 08:42 pm (UTC)From:Don't worry about the friends thing. Good friends are there for you whatever the time-lapse, people don't stop being your friend if you haven't seen them for six months - or if they do then they are the kind of friend worth losing..
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 11:58 pm (UTC)From: